I offer this year.

As journals fill my room, my blog remains rather empty. Perhaps it's because I prefer jogging my thoughts and ideas down while outside, instead of being confined to the light of a single lamp in my house while everyone sleeps. I have been content, infuriated, pleased, satisfied and disgruntled at how life has been going. Senior year started off with a spiritual retreat and what a blessing it was. My 18th birthday was nothing short of splendid. My cousin's senseless murder broke my heart. Being accepted into the college of my choice confirmed that I am not stupid, despite my plunging grade in Algebra III. Fickle friendships broke my trust, but hey- I'm out of this town in just 7 months. Another theatre show proved to be therapeutic once again, I will miss my thespian family. My cat's "removal" from the family made me come to terms with how oddly obsessed I am with temperamental felines. My relationship with my beloved boyfriend of 1 year and 7 months has opened my eyes up to what love really is. And finally, the new year of 2012 has inspired me to offer yet another year of my life to the Lord! This year will be for God.

Strength Will Rise

  A few months ago, I told my mom in the car on the way to school one morning,

  "I want to grow this summer. I want to make a difference. I want to be challenged...I want to become more of the woman that God has created me to be..."

   At the time, I was referring to taking a mission trip. With a possibility of 5 different mission trips, all to different countries, the outlook of growing in the Lord and making a difference looked very probable. Although, God kept closing the doors.

   

  Looking back, even though it's still in the month of July, I'm beginning to see why. Without typing all the chaos out, God IS growing me into the woman He's created me to be, right in my home town. This summer has been the most challenging, the most emotional, but by far; the most rewarding in the benefits that will be reaped later. Clearer direction as to where my passions and my desires meet God's plan for my life has been given. Strength has been discovered even in my weakest hour. God's voice has become more than the whisper it used to always be.

My name is Janey.

I knew something was great has been happening. God is revealing Himself to me. Doubts of a creator existing are being put to shame, in some of the simplest of ways. Just when I think He doesn't care- He shines through once again.

This is a good story, so let me tell it right.
I was walking from my math class into the main building at my school. My school is fairly small, 600 students for both middle and high school, so a new face is easily detected. I had school on my mind, but couldn't help but notice this unusual looking woman standing under the trees, admirably smiling at the landscape.
"These trees are just so beautiful...wow! What kind of tree is this, do you know?" The woman turned to a teacher standing nearby.
"Maybe poplar? Not sure, mam."
Why is this woman so impressed with a tree that you see everyday here in the South? Whatever, I gotta get to class. I took another look at her and couldn't help but notice there was something different about her. She looked black, but not quite. Perhaps it was her clothes, they weren't exactly the most stylish. Whatever it was, I didn't have time to think about it. I brushed off the thought and went on into school.

Later I went to go study at the picnic tables, around the same area I had just seen her. I noticed she was sitting about ten feet from me, so eventually I felt inclined to speak to her. I leaned over and told her I hadn't seen her around before, she smiled warmly and soon after the conversation went from basic small talk, to discussing the matters that have been weighing on my heart deeply.
How sweet, you opened up to a complete strange. No. I never said a word regarding any of these issues...somehow, she already knew. As we're sitting there, she's staring me straight in the eye, speaking straight into my soul. A portion of her conversation went like this:

"Honey, don't even worry about college, because you know what? If you put it in God's hands, He will direct you in the right way. You just have to have faith, you have to let it be in His hands, He knows what school fits in his plans for you, He knows what career you can best serve Him in, and He has your best interest in mind. But you know what? As soon as you start taking it into your own hands, it will be a disaster. You won't go to the right school, you'll get stuck with the wrong career- everything will go sour. But place it in our Creator's hands, and somehow...somehow everything will work out according to the goodness of His plan. And that's how it is for when it comes time to choose a mate for life. God knows whose going to be in our future, but it's when we take it into our hands and we tell God that we know better, that everything becomes a disaster. Just like when we take college into our own hands! The Lord has someone out there for you, but just put it in His hands...and He will take you exactly where He wants you. And when you walk into that room to that science test, give it to God! You just throw you arms up in the air and declare it to the Lord! You've done your best, and God will take care of the rest! He will give you the grade that fits into His plan for your life!"

At the time, this stranger telling me this seemed very normal...it crossed my mind only briefly how she knew to tell me that. How did she pinpoint exactly what's been bothering me? I didn't have long to wonder because my best friend, Madison, came running up and sat down next to me. I saw the woman look at us both and smile.
"You are both very beautiful girls, but be careful not to...."
Then she proceeds to look straight into Madison's eyes...addressing the very issue that she has been struggling with. Pinpointing everything she needed to hear... I carefully watched Madison's reaction, she politely smiled but I could tell there was more taking place. She asked us our names, and when Madison told her, the woman smiles, almost knowingly, nods her head and repeats, "Madison. Nice to meet you, Madison." I told her mine, and the same knowing smile appeared, "Kaitlin...good to meet you." I wish I could explain her smile...it was so warm, so genuine- it was a feel-good kind of smile.

Madison and I went back to studying, but the woman's words were ringing in my ears. We looked up, and the woman was gone. Maddie looks at me, "Kaitlin, there was something different about that woman."
"Yeah, she was...odd."
"I liked her." Maddie confidently said.
"Me too. I don't know how she knew all that stuff to tell me..."
Stunned, Madison hadn't realized that before she sat down; the woman had spoken directly to me. After telling Maddie what she had told me, her jaw dropped open.
"Kaitlin! That's like...everything that's been haunting you! How did she know? Did you tell her?"
"Maddie? How did she know to tell you all that she did? I may be crazy....but there's something more taking place right now than we're realizing. And notice, she's gone." I looked around, feeling chills go up my spine. Madison just sat there, agape.

Later, I looked up from my textbook and saw her sitting there again, this time with her hand in her hands, on her Bible; obviously deep in prayer. For some reason, I wanted to get a picture of her. I took out my phone, and quickly snapped a picture, with her right in the center. When she lifted her head after prayer, I couldn't resist asking her name. She took a moment before answering, as if carefully considering what she should tell me. She smiled, and slowly said, "I'm..Janey."
Immediately, I knew that wasn't her name. No one pauses like that to say their name, it's just instinct to answer immediately.
"..Janey?" I asked, looking at her closely.
She smiled again, tilting her head up a little, and nodded. "Yeah, Janey.." As if to reassure herself.
We walked away. Madison grabbed my arm. "That is not her name, girl!"
"You're right. Her name isn't Janey. But I don't think we're ever going to find out who she really is..."

I went through the rest of the day, wrestling with the idea of who she really was. I went over to to my friend Dilshad's home, whose a foreign exchange student here at my school. Typically, our conversations aren't two-way deep. I'll help her with a spiritual element she may be wrestling with, but mostly it's mindless chatter about who-did-what at school. Though, sitting there on her floor I suddenly felt very inclined to tell her about Janey.
"Dilshad, I met this woman today. I've never seen her before..." I proceeded to tell her the story, she stared at me wide-eyed, nodding her head.
"I've met her, Kaitlin. I've met her."

Dilshad proceeds to tell me her story, about how she was sitting in the library at school, diligently working when all the sudden this woman appears out of nowhere and begins talking to her. Just like me, she had a hard time recalling exactly how the conversation went but before Janey 'disappeared' she pulled a packet of purple paper, folded up, and laid it in front of Dilshad.
"I think you might like to read this." Janey smiled her warm smile, and then 'disappeared' again.
I asked Dil if she had read it, she said she hadn't, but jumped up on her feet and ran and got it. She threw me the paper, half laughing, half grimacing at the uncanniness of it all.
"Read it to me."

I opened it up, it was a chapter out of Ephesian's with somebody's annotations on what each verse meant. I read a few of the sentences to her, and glanced over to see what her facial expression was. Her eyes were wide-open, obviously contemplating the entire situation.
"I think I might need to read this... How did she know..." Dilshad almost shuddered, but then turned to me, "Kaitlin? Do you think she was...I'm going to sound crazy....but do you think she was an angel?"
I don't think I'll ever be able to answer that question with 100% proof, but when I got home- I looked at that picture I had taken of her on my phone.
"Where is Janey?" Everyone asks when I show them the picture. I wonder the exact same thing. Where is Janey, but who really was Janey? 

I looked up the name Janey on the internet, and with a Hebrew translation, the name means 'God is gracious'. Sounds pretty angelic to me.

Inspired by a last breath.

When the casket is closed, what will they say?

When the earth is above, who will remember?

When the flowers wilt, will the name live on?

                      

                     The timing of these events remain a mystery to all, but the impact of them don't have to.

I've been inspired. Inspired by a last breath, inspired by the tinted caked makeup covering a beautiful woman who rests in peace. Her love carries on, I pray mine will too. I try to imagine what stories would be told, whose tears would be shed if I were to lay in a bed of petals and white doilies tomorrow.

Although, I have confidence that the Lord is not quite done with me.

I'm going to make a difference, I'm going to leave my mark on this world for the Supreme Being.

Something Unusual

Tonight's a night for thinking. Class in the morning? Doesn't matter. Currently, this cranium of mine is near explosion with an abundance of thoughts. I wish I could explain these thoughts, but that's the thing. They're hardly thoughts. There is quizical certainty in these ideas being laid on my heart. Maybe because God has this whole thing under His control, not my own.

Something rather unusual has been occuring every time I pray or do my devotions. This one sentence pops into my head. "You're going to do great things."

Where did this thought come from? It's not my conscious whispering it to me. I think it's something greater ( no pun intended, of course ).

I have an inner peace within me at the moment. Everything is going to be okay.

I Once Dreamed...

    Do dreams have a deeper meaning? Do they reveal the subconscious within us? Sigmund Freud thought so, I'm beginning to believe this might hold accurate. I want to be bold, and say God revealed a vision to me; a plan for my life. Or I could stick with the contemporary term of "dream".
    I always have vivacious dreams, full of dramatic plots and characters. Though, I could sense this dream was different. I'm not sure why, except that when I woke up I even felt different. I felt a joyous peace suddenly within me...

   There was nothing leading up to this dream, no previously dreamt plot, but suddenly I was standing in the middle of a dirt road, in a Belizian village. The Mayan thatch roof huts were all around me, chickens were squaking and pigs were mosying around. There were children at my feet, tugging on my arms and wrapped around my waist. I led them to a clearing in the grass where a bucket of water was. There were several other Americans there too, each with their own bucket of water. I took a little girl by the hand and told her to sit down as I proceeded to pour the water over her hair. She let out a giggle when I poured shampoo into my hands and lathered up her hair. I knew this was the first time she had ever had her hair washed, there were fleas and bugs nested up in it. As the water flowed down onto the ground, I noticed it was dark and murky, it looked like mud. But I didn't care. I was happy, so genuinely happy as I washed the little girl's hair. There were children lined up behind me, waiting for their chance to have their grimy hair and scalps washed. I turned around and saw their eyes sparkling, waiting patiently. The biggest smile spread across my face. I remember thinking, "I am serving the Lord with pure joy." and I was so happy.

     That's all that happened in the dream, yet those few moments in dreamland has already begun to impact me. I feel as though God was speaking to me through that dream. "Serve me, serve others; and that is where you will find the purest essence of joy." I felt at home with those children, caring for their needs, ministering to them...loving them as Christ loves us, imperfections and all. I don't know if this is what you would call a vision the Lord has given me, but I know it's not a coincidence. This dream does have a deeper meaning. In just one night, I have a clearer set of direction in life; what God is calling me to do. I will not lie, though. It's difficult. For years now I  have planned on pursuing a degree in acting, with high hopes of officially breaking into the film industry. But God seems to be redirecting my steps. Not what I had expected. But, sometimes God does call us to do crazy things once we fall crazy in love with Him.

What hurts is when someone you know, becomes someone you knew.

Sometimes God puts people in our life. Sometimes God takes people out of life. Sometimes we know why. Sometimes we don't. But I'll always wonder, was it childish of me to believe that when we pinky-promised friends forever, that you actually meant it as well?